even if things get heavy we'll all float on aaalright

i feel really strange right now.

i just realized i really have no fun at parties or other supposed-to-be-fun things anymore. see, today was bedford day. a whole afternoon filled with parades and booths filled with random freebies and junk, and the whole town piled in the center of town. it should be really fun and happy but i was too sick of my friend (i refuse to call her my best friend because i've decided today that i officially hate her, even though she's considered me her best friend ever since we met. no, i don't think i'll ever find another real best friend again, or at least not in this town.) to enjoy it. i literally had more fun biking to the center of town than at the actual thing. and yesterday, too. i had more fun walking to the party by myself than i actually had at the party, which was actually not even a bad party. i just didn't have an extraordinary amount of fun, even though you'd probably think i did if you'd seen me there. am i being a fake or something? because it's taking such a large effort just to be perky and fun around people when really i'd rather just not talk to anyone at all.

school is so stupid. honestly i hate going to things like bedford day, or football games, or any other school-town-based events. once you get there everyone's so clique-y and grouped off. it's just like in any typical movie about school: preps, jocks, druggies and gangstas, wannabes, and random assorted others. i don't really belong in any group anymore because whatever i had before that slightly resembled a "friends group" last year just doesn't exist anymore this year. so i just flock around the different groups because i get along with all of them, but i miss having a solid group of friends that could all depend on each other SO so so much. and i miss sixth grade when everyone got along and we could get away with anything. and i am so unbelievably annoyed with my friend who is not my best friend. i am too tired now, but i will probably tell you all about her later because i mention her a lot and i definitely need to get it out because i just feel so frustrated with her.

but anyway. i don't know what's up with me, i'm just so sick of people in general. and i hate pretending to be enjoying everything i do when i don't. okay, that's an exaggeration because i do actually enjoy doing some things, it's just that i feel like i'm secretly truly super antisocial, and maybe that's why i love being alone so much and don't really like parties. and now that i mentioned sixth grade this huge huge huge wave of nostalgia is like washing over me and now i miss everything so much.

SOMEONE DR. PHIL ME. actually i guess you can't really because it's not like i presented a tangible solve-able problem. well, it felt good to vent. you know, i was about to just x the window and not save the post at all because it's so pointless but that would've meant i'd wasted an hour typing this up (i am using my mom's ancient computer, and no keys on her keyboard work so i literally have to smash down on them multiple times until they come out. in a way it's been therapeutic but it's also really slow) so i'm gonna publish the post anyway. if you actually read this then here's a cookie. and if you didn't then i don't blame you.

much love still,
geena